little victories when it feels everything is falling apart

little victories: when everything feels like its falling apart, when your chest is breaking free and your lungs can barely catch the air.

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Breathe

I sat across from J.  How are you feeling now? Better, much better…

It was probably one of the most courageous moments that week, probably my only one for a while. It was little victory that completely overwhelms your heart with gratitude and joy.

Joy

Joy when you feel like you’ve hit a brick wall and doom is one sleepless night away.

Joy…when your best companion is a box of tissues.

Joy, a product of taking one step in front of the others, as J texted every couple of minutes.

Joy, a little victory that came through a warm hug on a cold night in J‘s couch.
And that joy experienced when our hearts beat a little too fast and our hands shake a little too much, is the one mark of hope that we are left with, that our friends truly love us, that we’ve fostered good relationships.

So this week’s little victories are dedicated to friendships: to standing in line at 7 am for a special cup of coffee, for offering your hand, as something to hold on to, for endless nights of laughter and food.

So, joy, the little victory birthed from friendship and love, is that which holds us when things feel like and ARE falling apart.

here a collection of little victories gathered from myself and friends: 

reading a book

waking up

reaching out to a friend

saying no

saying yes

choosing to love a little more

enjoying new company

believing you’re courageous

putting one foot in front of the other

A Mother’s Advice

My mother calls and explains that she has something important to tell me: I need to be less strong! She didn’t quite say it like that, but a half an hour later that’s what it came to. Now I wonder why she would give me such advice and spend hours talking about how “there are wolves out there” and come to the conclusion that I need to be less strong. Now notice I was not told to be weak…I was told to be less strong.

People have different definitions of strength; some focus on the physical while others seek spiritual and mental strength (whatever that may be). I think parents worry about which focus their children choose; I think if I had a child I would. If for example my child would choose physical strength above all then he/she would be disappointed and heartbroken when the sad human reality that we decay as we age and we cannot be strong forever hits, and so forth. I am no athlete so I’m sure my mother wasn’t talking about that. She mentioned three things: relationships, trust, courage.

Now she made it very clear that I am not lucky at all with relationships- particularly friendships. Ouch! She even reminded me of how much I trust people and that’s why I’ve been used. And I’m like EXCUSE ME! How dare you say that!? I don’t trust people! I’m quite reserved! (of course i didn’t tell her that, Latino moms are no joke). I think she sensed what I was thinking. She explained that we all use people for things, which is true, some people do it with malice while others not so much. She said I needed to be more aware of people and their malice, that I was too good. Ouch!, again. My ego was hurt…how dare she! She’s too strong, too harsh – I thought. And then she told me: “I’ve been working since I was 14, no one ever gave anything- but I’ve given it all to help others. I’m not complaining and I don’t seek anything from anybody. But you have to fight. You can’t be all strong and pretend what people do to you doesn’t hurt you. It does, it’s happened too many times – I’ve warned you but you’re too hard-headed. In this life all you have is family. Friends, partners, husbands, teachers, bosses, they might all mean well – but sooner or later one or the other will turn their back on you, make assumptions, pretend they know how you think and therefore how you will act. When people feel threatened they turn into wolves” (paraphrased and expanded (-: ).

Woa!

I thought about this later and I realized that she didn’t want me to be weak – God knows she is one of the strongest people I know. She wanted to teach me about character, about trust and courage. It takes a lot of courage and trust to be vulnerable before others, to share your lives with them. But sometimes that courage and goodness is exactly what destroys us. When we are hurt we ignore the fact because it might tear a relationship, or we create such a big scene that it turns into a selfish whining act. So there must be a balance. We must have the courage to share ourselves, the trust to tell each other how we feel, and the wisdom to know when to walk away from something that can eventually destroy us. We must be very careful with our hearts. We must take care of ourselves – share with others but never depend completely on any human. We are all flawed, broken, vulnerable. We are not perfect. In this world we are all prone to being hurt – but if you know will get hurt…walk away!

Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.

Proverbs 4:23

Love,

Tracy